A child departs, returns and departs again

In late August we took Madeleine to college, at Wellesley 3,000 miles from home. We had three fun days of being tourists in Boston, which helped her to get to know the city a bit better, using public transit. Then came a final trip to Bed Bath & Beyond - huge and busy with lots of college students coming to the Boston area. The day we moved her into the dorm, Barney was not feeling well, so Madeleine and I did most of the moving and unpacking - up three flights of stairs as the elevator was broken. And it was hot and muggy... the East Coast.  Her dorm is old and rather like something from a Harry Potter film, lots of beamed ceilings and stained glass. After the lunch and address by the President, and one last trip to her room to unpack some things, it was time to go. It even said "families depart" on the schedule, so that was pretty clear. Everyone started walking away in small groups, and we did the same, heading over toward the small lake on campus. We hugged tightly, all three of us, and cried more than a little bit. We all said we'd miss each other, but Barney and I reassured Madeleine that she was going into a wonderful new phase of her life with new friends and new experiences and we supported her fully. We walked her back to her dorm, watched her as she went up the path to the door ... and then as she opened the door to go in, I expected her to look back one last time, but instead in she went ... and into her new life. We saw many other tearful goodbyes and sniffling parents on our way back to the car. We got in, held each other tightly, and just cried for a while. We knew we'd miss her so much.

Last Sunday she left to return to college after Thanksgiving, and I realized all day that I was in a kind of mourning. We awakened very early that day to get her to the airport, and there were long hugs and a few tears as we parted, all too soon. I had rehearsal all day so was fairly occupied with that. But as I left rehearsal and checked my cellphone I saw that I had missed a voicemail from her a few hours before,after she had landed. I listened to it ... her voice, speaking in French (as she often does when in a public setting and she does not want people to know what she is saying), in tears on the bus back to school, telling us how much she missed us and everything about being home, how she did not want to be back at school, she wished she could have juts stayed in Oakland. I called her right away, and heard her, still crying, really inconsolate, being comforted by her wonderful roommate Nabeela. I tried not to cry, too, but it was hard, as I realized I just ached for her. By the end of the conversation she seemed better, saying she had a paper to finish before classes started the next day.

The next day, Monday, both my husband and I were quite down in the evening. we tried to cheer ourselves up, and had planned to do some Christmas decorating, but neither one of us really felt like it. We realized we were mourning her loss, realizing how large the hole was in our lives that had been filled for a few brief days. And I realized her sadness was a lot about missing us and some about missing Revels ... she has been a part of Revels since she was 10 years old. For almost half her life, Revels has been an intense and joyous part of the holiday season for her. And now she does not have this in her life, and the day she spent at rehearsal gave her a taste of what she was missing. When she played the role of the Lord of Misrule onstage during rehearsal, it looked so normal to see her standing there, just like she had for many years ... at one point I think the director forgot that she was not in the cast and left her onstage during chorus blocking. She loved being there, it was clear. In the evening, we had the group who sang and played on the lullaby CD, for a "listening party." The music was beautiful, and everyone was thrilled wit how the CD sounded. For me, it was delightful to be able to sit back and listen to the beauty of it, instead of looking for errors and edits that needed to be fixed, as Dave and Shira and I had been doing for many months. One of my main motivations in doing this was to be able to sing on the CD with Madeleine, and that dream was fulfilled. During editing it was hard for me to hold back tears when I heard her voice, and now when  listen to the music and hear her, as a solo, duet or just in her section, I tear up. I miss her so much.