Whirlwind holidays

While 2008 was a grim year on many fronts, especially the economy, the end of 2008 brought a wonderful whirl of joyful activities and celebrations and for our family three big events: Madeleine's starting college at Wellesley, the completion of Barney's garage project, in which many family members and friends participated in building our new garage, and the completion of the lullaby CD, "Lullay My Sweet One", recorded with Shira Kammen and friends from Revels under the name The Bungalow Ensemble, and released in December 2008. The CDs are available at www.cdbaby.com. 

The arrival of the actual CDs (in cardboard instead of plastic cases and with recycled plastic inserts) came just a few days before Madeleine returned from Wellesley, and began a month of festivities. We opened Revels on the 12th, the day the CDs arrived, and the show was happily successful - and as we featured one of the show's songs on the CD, we were able to sell some to the audience as well. Madeleine saw the show with Barney, did makeup backstage, danced at the cast party, and - for the first time - was allowed to attend the after-party, for adults only. Since she was no longer in the teen cast, she attended and really enjoyed it ... more singing, food, drinks, singing, etc. We arrived home about 3am. 

While Madeleine was at school this fall, we felt like something big was missing from our lives - our daughter. Once she was back, everything felt "right" again. The first few days were a blaze of her seeing friends also returned from college, and preparing for the family Christmas. On the 23rd we hosted what apparently has now become our traditional caroling party - about 40 friends including folks from Revels and her high school friends with an enormous potluck and lots of singing. We went around the neighborhood singing carols, and with the experienced singers in the group we sounded quite good, I must say. People stopped their cars on the street to listen to us, and neighbors came out to ask for songs. One neighbor dialed her mother in Wisconsin on her cellphone so she could hear us sing. We sang in the vestibule of an upscale local restaurant, Oliveto - the diners seemed quite delighted. There is something about the fellowship and sisterhood of singing together that just seems truly happy to me.  I felt so fortunate to enjoy singing and celebrating with such wonderful folks.

For Christmas, we hosted Barney's parents, brother and sister-in-law, and had a lovely day together. We made a lovely leg of lamb roasted for 7 hours, preceded by some pate, olives and nuts and various amuse-bouche, and accompanied by a persimmon-hazeln

ut fall greens salad, green beans with walnuts, a squash-cranberry dish from my sister-in-law, and finished with our family's traditional Bûche de Noël and my mother-in-law's apple crisp.  Madeleine has become the queen of the Bûche now, it is one of "her"dishes, and in January she taught it to my sister-in-law and niece.

This year found us doing more activities than I ever recall in the past - in part because Madeleine's time home was short, so Barney and I planned things to do with her, like seeing the wonderful "Arabian Nights" at Berkeley Rep, and a New Year's dinner at Wood Tavern. We did more feasting and singing and even a Mummer's play at Hildreth and Chas' New Year's Day party. Mads and I went ice skating at Embarcadero Center - whenever I skate I remember the countless hours we spent skating as kids, something Madeleine did not get to do living in California, though she took my ice skates back with her to Wellesley. Madeleine and I enjoyed the Yves St Laurent exhibit at the DeYoung Museum with her childhood friend Nathalie and Nathalie's mom, Nancy, followed by Madeleine hosting a cooking party at our place for the 8 girls from her high school cooking party group. It was such a delight to see the girls again - they had certainly matured and grown up in subtle ways, but in other ways they still seemed like the same girls we've known for years. While our kitchen is small, I think they enjoy cooking here because I have always been happy to have Madeleine and her friends cook, do arts and crafts, or any kind of messy project here. Madeleine and Barney and I did a day-long workshop with Shira Kammen of Twelfth Night music, which was great fun, followed by a dinner with our friend Barbara Phillips. In 2007, we did a Medieval music, dance and cuisine workshop at her cultural center in France, Latitude (www.latitude.org). Throughout this time Madeleine had various get-togethers with friends, re-connecting and then parting again.

Toward the end of Madeleine's visit, we hosted a belated 50th birthday party for me to coincide with the official launch of the lullaby CD. Almost 100 folks attended, enjoyed Jonathon Moon's delicious food, danced to music by Shira Kammen and Charlie Hancock called by Erik Hoffman, which got almost everyone dancing the contra dances. The Bungalow Ensemble performed four pieces from the CD as well, which were well-received. Nancy, a friend from Revels. wrote wonderful new lyrics about me to a Revels drinking song, which the entire group sang to me after a glorious rendition of Happy Birthday. I thought to myself that this must be what heaven feels like: beautiful music, surrounded by people you love, singing and dancing and feasting and enjoying each other's company.

Our last family activity as skiing at Yosemite, staying at Barney's family cabin in Groveland. There had been little snow lately, so it was quite icy, and we all had minor-to-moderate injuries of various sorts. We did enjoy an interesting Chef's Holiday dinner at the Ahwahnee, which included some fascinating cooking demonstrations, and where we met some friendly people who enjoy cooking as much as we do. After we returned, it was a day of packing and helping Madeleine prepare to return to Wellesley.  We have had so much fun this past month. And then it was back to the airport, and once again standing by the security line, waving goodbye, both of us tearing up, watching her go. When she leaves, she never looks back - she told me once if she did she would burst out crying. For us, no such limitation, and the tears flowed copiously. We miss her so much. Fortunately this week was filled with the excitement of the inauguration and preparing to teach a tiramisu class and perform in a Robert Burns 250th birthday concert on Sunday. Next week will be quiet ... and harder for both me and Barney.

A child departs, returns and departs again

In late August we took Madeleine to college, at Wellesley 3,000 miles from home. We had three fun days of being tourists in Boston, which helped her to get to know the city a bit better, using public transit. Then came a final trip to Bed Bath & Beyond - huge and busy with lots of college students coming to the Boston area. The day we moved her into the dorm, Barney was not feeling well, so Madeleine and I did most of the moving and unpacking - up three flights of stairs as the elevator was broken. And it was hot and muggy... the East Coast.  Her dorm is old and rather like something from a Harry Potter film, lots of beamed ceilings and stained glass. After the lunch and address by the President, and one last trip to her room to unpack some things, it was time to go. It even said "families depart" on the schedule, so that was pretty clear. Everyone started walking away in small groups, and we did the same, heading over toward the small lake on campus. We hugged tightly, all three of us, and cried more than a little bit. We all said we'd miss each other, but Barney and I reassured Madeleine that she was going into a wonderful new phase of her life with new friends and new experiences and we supported her fully. We walked her back to her dorm, watched her as she went up the path to the door ... and then as she opened the door to go in, I expected her to look back one last time, but instead in she went ... and into her new life. We saw many other tearful goodbyes and sniffling parents on our way back to the car. We got in, held each other tightly, and just cried for a while. We knew we'd miss her so much.

Last Sunday she left to return to college after Thanksgiving, and I realized all day that I was in a kind of mourning. We awakened very early that day to get her to the airport, and there were long hugs and a few tears as we parted, all too soon. I had rehearsal all day so was fairly occupied with that. But as I left rehearsal and checked my cellphone I saw that I had missed a voicemail from her a few hours before,after she had landed. I listened to it ... her voice, speaking in French (as she often does when in a public setting and she does not want people to know what she is saying), in tears on the bus back to school, telling us how much she missed us and everything about being home, how she did not want to be back at school, she wished she could have juts stayed in Oakland. I called her right away, and heard her, still crying, really inconsolate, being comforted by her wonderful roommate Nabeela. I tried not to cry, too, but it was hard, as I realized I just ached for her. By the end of the conversation she seemed better, saying she had a paper to finish before classes started the next day.

The next day, Monday, both my husband and I were quite down in the evening. we tried to cheer ourselves up, and had planned to do some Christmas decorating, but neither one of us really felt like it. We realized we were mourning her loss, realizing how large the hole was in our lives that had been filled for a few brief days. And I realized her sadness was a lot about missing us and some about missing Revels ... she has been a part of Revels since she was 10 years old. For almost half her life, Revels has been an intense and joyous part of the holiday season for her. And now she does not have this in her life, and the day she spent at rehearsal gave her a taste of what she was missing. When she played the role of the Lord of Misrule onstage during rehearsal, it looked so normal to see her standing there, just like she had for many years ... at one point I think the director forgot that she was not in the cast and left her onstage during chorus blocking. She loved being there, it was clear. In the evening, we had the group who sang and played on the lullaby CD, for a "listening party." The music was beautiful, and everyone was thrilled wit how the CD sounded. For me, it was delightful to be able to sit back and listen to the beauty of it, instead of looking for errors and edits that needed to be fixed, as Dave and Shira and I had been doing for many months. One of my main motivations in doing this was to be able to sing on the CD with Madeleine, and that dream was fulfilled. During editing it was hard for me to hold back tears when I heard her voice, and now when  listen to the music and hear her, as a solo, duet or just in her section, I tear up. I miss her so much.